In the past week, I've sifted through about 100 cover letter/résumés. In a past life in the advertising world, I did the same for a year, looking in total at about 1000 of the same. In 16 years of helping people open bars, I've probably seen another 1000 or so. Anyone out there at all whoever wants to get a job... here's all you need to know about résumés:

1. If you have that trite, cliché "objective" statement and it remotely resembles this, delete it now: "Objective: To utilize my skills and experiences in order to be part of a team environment in a corporate setting" You have said basically nothing with this statement. Honestly, you will get a lot more callbacks if instead you were honest and said "Objective: To land a good job." And yes, objective statements are silly, it is the objective of every person interviewing for a job.... to get hired. double duh.

2. In fact, if you find any of the following words or phrases anywhere in your cover letter, or résumé, delete them now: utilize, team player, proven abilities, opportunity, self-starter, motivated.

3. Read the job listing. If you aren't qualified, don't answer it. I know that YOU think your five months at Subway somehow qualifies you to take over my company's bookkeeping and payroll, I think it just means you make mediocre processed meat sandwiches behind sneeze-proof glass.

4. Follow directions. If a job listing asks you to submit X, Y, and Z and you submit X, B, and R ... do I need to explain this? Wait-- yes, yes, I do. Reread #4. Eleventeen times.

5. Heed Shakespeare. That dead guy once said, "Brevity is the soul of wit." The average hiring decision maker is probably looking through 50-100 or maybe 500 résumés just like yours, on their 23-minute break for lunch at their desk or during their kid's soccer game they are going to miss AGAIN, and the last thing in the world that is going to get you a callback is to force them to read your poorly structured, repetitive, rambling cover letter about how boring, and cookie cutter you are. Get to the point and quickly. You want the job, you need money. We want to hire you and pay you money. Don't turn this into the 1500-word college term paper.

6. Stand out. A résumé does not get you a job, it gets you an interview. That's all you should be trying to do. The single most effective way to do that, beyond obviously being somewhat qualified, is to make them curious to find out more. So don't be afraid to tease their curiosity. I once ended my résumé with listing my duties at my last job as "...where I wrote the ad that promptly got me fired." I was by far the least experienced copywriter the agency looked at, but I got the interview (and the job). Why? I got the interview. Once I was in the room, I knew how to get the job. Take it one step at a time. On my first day, they flat out told me "we weren't going to hire you, we just wanted to see that ad that got you fired." (It was a true story, so that helped. And it was a -great- ad.)

7. Unless you are applying for a senior executive position or highly, highly technical position AND you have more than 15-20 year’s experience in your field, there is -no- reason your résumé should -ever- be more than one page. You're not that interesting, you're not that experienced. I would bet if Leonardo Da Vinci had a résumé, it would be a half-page. Steve Jobs would probably be ten words on a cocktail napkin. A desalinized, hemp, acid-free, recycled cocktail napkin. Keep it simple, stupid.

8. Typos? Really?

9. It bears (or bares) repeating: don't use "utilize," use "use." Utilize is you trying to sound fancy. It's one of the dumbest words in the business world. Maybe the English language. You don't "utilize" your skills, you use them. If you don't understand good grammar and proper word choices, keep it simple and talk the way you really talk.

10. Without being a smart-ass, be funny. There are a lot of people who do nothing but look at résumés... all... day.... long. If you don't get past them, you don't get the job. True story: when applying along with about 1500 people for one seasonal position, at the end of my résumé I included a listing of "FAVORITE CEREALS." Then I listed my favorite cereals. I got the interviews, the job, and on my first day, about 20 of the staff said: "Oh, you're the cereal guy." Sounds corny, but guess what? I got the job. Because I got past the gate-keeper by making them laugh. And I got remembered. And Peanut Butter Captain Crunch, Kashi Crunch, and homemade granola if you're wondering.

11. I know you want to impress me with your "excellent communication skills." You aren't going to impress me, at all, by using polysyllabic words and run-on sentences. What will impress me? Short, simple, honest, focused sentences like "I'm exactly what you're looking for and per your requirements, I am pretty darn funny." That is the kind of sentence that stands out and gets a callback. Less is more. And yes, I'll take sentence fragments (like all the ones herein) before run-ons, every single time.

12. No, your friend Sarah is not a reference. Neither is your Mom.

13. Cheryl Charming is going to kill me for saying this, but unless you are applying for a very creative or inherently fun/entertainment-based position, lose all the graphics, clip-art, doodles, colors, butterflies, and rainbows. I want to hire an adult, not someone who just woke from nap-time at the local kindergarten.

14. If you've been at any job but your present one for less than six months, leave it off or have a really good explanation as to why. I know it's no longer a workforce of people who stay in one job for 20 years, but if you can't hold down a job for a year, you're a huge risk/red flag.

15. Just to contradict me, watch out for gaps in employment. A smart hiring manager doesn't scan your résumé for any of the blah blah blah you wrote-- they are looking at timeline and trying to first see a) if your previous job titles are relevant to the position they are hiring for and probably more so looking to see b) how long you worked at each job and c) how long any gaps between jobs were. Gaps more than a few months almost always signal you're hiding a job that you got fired at.

16. Always show the dates you worked at each job.

17. Learn what a PDF is and send your cover letter and résumé as well-formatted PDFs. Especially if you're applying for an office job. Nothing says amateur more than someone who sends in an "email résumé." MS Word docs are okay, but honestly, PDFs are better. And please oh please don't send your résumé as a forwarded email with all those ">>>>>"s and line breaks. I get enough chain letters and spam from Latvian hookers looking to show me sexy-time pictures.

18. Do not use a cutesy salutation. Stick with "Dear Sir or Madam" or "Dear Hiring Manager" or something like that. "Dear Future Boss", "Attention Ladies and Gentlemen" and "Hiya!" aren't nearly as clever as you think. If you're going to try and be funny, build some credibility first, and save the comedy for the end.

19. Do not send a photo. I know, I know, you're a 9.5 with a great rack or diesel arms and you think being pretty or buff is going to help you get a job. If you're applying for a Vegas pool or nightclub, you're right. For a professional job, it says "I'm hoping you think I'm attractive and will call or hire me because of my looks." Totally unprofessional and completely ineffective... except for employers whom you will wish you never had to work for.

20. Do not make demands. One applicant said, "I am curious about your position but would like you to tell me the name of your company or send me a website link before I submit my résumé." Hey, dingdong--- WE are the ones asking the questions here. If you don't want to apply, don't. Triple duh.

21. If you want to be pro-active--- no matter how much you hate your job now, stick it out for a least one year, leave on good terms, and make sure your immediate supervisor loves you to death. You -will- need him/her for a reference sooner or later. Building a great résumé starts today. Or five years ago. Get going.

22. If you can't follow any of the above advice, can't hold a job, don't have a college degree, dropped out of high school and/or none of your former employers can stand you.... chances are you're an excellent candidate to start your own company. Just ask billionaires Steve Jobs, Sheldon Adelson, Sir Richard Branson, Bill Gates, and Ralph Lauren. But whatever you do, don't apply for the position I'm hiring for. One malcontent dreamer in my company is plenty.

Respectfully, Sincerely, Yours Truly, Cordially,
Tobin Ellis
Principal
BarMagic of Las Vegas
Established 1997